Brian Eno Confirms He’s Been a Hologram Since 1987
In a stunning and characteristically enigmatic press conference held via a dimly lit Zoom call featuring slowly shifting ambient visuals and a faintly humming drone tone in D♭, legendary musician and producer Brian Eno has announced that he has, in fact, not existed in physical form since 1987.
“I transitioned to a holographic consciousness shortly after completing the soundtrack for Dune that nobody used,” Eno declared, his translucent form flickering slightly as a subtle cascade of pixels fell from his left shoulder. “It was time. The meat body was limiting. Holographic existence offers far greater reverb.”
Eno, 77, known for pioneering ambient music and his work with artists such as David Bowie, U2, and Talking Heads, claims the decision to become a hologram was both artistic and logistical. “I found physical existence cumbersome. Touring, for example, was an ordeal. Now I simply beam myself into galleries, sound baths, or directly into dreams.”
When asked how such a transformation was technically possible in 1987, Eno offered a characteristically cryptic answer: “Time is a form of sound. If you stretch it enough, anything becomes possible. Especially if you collaborate with the right algorithms.”
Despite the surreal nature of the announcement, longtime fans were not entirely surprised. Many had speculated over the years that Eno’s increasingly abstract interviews, ethereal stage presence, and unchanging appearance hinted at a deeper metaphysical shift. One Reddit thread from 2011 titled “Brian Eno Is Clearly A Vortex Of Light Pretending To Be Human” has since gone viral.
Experts in both musicology and quantum physics have expressed cautious interest. Dr. Lenora Vask of the Ambient Studies Institute called the revelation “entirely plausible,” citing Eno’s long-standing fascination with non-linear time and generative systems. “Brian once built an installation that composed music based on the angle of moonlight refracted through a wine glass,” she noted. “A holographic form would simply be the logical next step.”
Eno concluded the event by slowly fading out while playing an unreleased track allegedly composed in collaboration with the Northern Lights and a malfunctioning elevator in Kyoto.
When pressed for confirmation of the album’s release date, a shimmering echo replied faintly, “It already happened. You just haven’t noticed yet.”
